Living with a Vietnamese family: unspoken house rules for the altar, meals, bedrooms and ritual days

Short answer: living with a Vietnamese family, whether you have married in, rent a room or are staying long term, goes more smoothly once you know the unspoken rules in order of importance: the ancestor altar first, then the family meal, then the ritual calendar of full moons, new moons, death anniversaries and Tết, and only then the smaller taboos about bedrooms and mirrors. Most of these are courtesies anyone can keep. Some are religious acts, and you are entitled to decline those politely, as long as you show respect in another way.

Earlier articles in our Living in Vietnam section covered renting, moving house and your neighbours' rituals. This pillar article goes inside the front door. It is written for the foreign daughter-in-law or son-in-law, the long-term lodger and the exchange student who now shares a home with a Vietnamese family and wants to understand the things everyone does but nobody explains.

Why the everyday rules are the hardest to learn

Vietnamese people grow up with the altar, the shared meal and the lunar calendar. They learn by watching, not by being taught. So when you ask why chopsticks must not stand upright in the rice, an older relative may simply say "we just don't", and you are none the wiser.

The good news is that families usually care far more about your willingness than your accuracy. A newcomer who asks, watches and tries is forgiven nearly every slip. The bad news is that nobody will hand you a list, so this article tries to be that list, with reasons attached.

Your first day: three things to get right

Don't try to absorb everything at once. On day one, three things matter:

1. Where the altar is and how to behave around it. Don't put your belongings on it, don't sit with your feet pointing straight at it, and don't take anything from it unless invited.
2. How to greet the elders. Greet them when you leave and come home, and invite them to eat before a meal. Learn one simple phrase for inviting people to eat; it will win more goodwill than anything else you do in the first week.
3. Which days of the month the family makes offerings. Usually the first and fifteenth of the lunar month. On those days there will be a tray of offerings, incense smoke and perhaps visitors.

Everything else, from bedroom taboos to Tết customs, can wait until the occasion approaches. People remember best when they learn something just before they need it.

The ancestor altar: what it is and what is expected of you

The bàn thờ gia tiên (ancestor altar) is usually the most puzzling thing in the house for a newcomer: photographs of the dead, incense, food that nobody eats. In simple terms, it is where the family remembers and talks to its ancestors. Ancestor veneration is a family practice rather than a religion you must join, and for many Vietnamese it sits alongside Buddhism, Catholicism or no formal religion at all.

Should you light incense?

If you are invited and comfortable, lighting a stick of incense, thắp nhang, is a warmly received gesture. If your own faith rules it out, as it may for some Christians and Muslims, you can stand quietly before the altar with your head slightly bowed. Explain briefly and kindly that you show respect in this way. Most families accept it, especially if a Vietnamese family member explains it for you.

Things to know without being told

• Ask before photographing the altar, and don't post pictures of it online without permission.
• Offerings are taken down and eaten only after the ritual is finished, usually by an elder.
• Burning incense is left to burn out or extinguished carefully. Keep children away from it and never move the incense bowl near curtains.

For the vocabulary, our Vietnamese–English glossary of ancestor worship and Tết gives the terms you will hear.

The kitchen and the family meal

The shared meal carries more customs than Vietnamese people often realise.

• Inviting others to eat. Before eating, younger people invite older ones, naming them: "Cháu mời ông bà ăn cơm", roughly "I invite grandparents to eat". It feels formal at first and quickly becomes natural.
• No chopsticks standing in rice. An upright pair in a bowl of rice resembles the rice offered to the dead. This is the easiest rule to remember once you know why.
• Being served food. Hosts and elders put food in your bowl to show care. Your bowl may never seem to empty. When you have had enough, finish what is there and say gently that you are full; nobody will be offended.
• Don't tap your bowl with chopsticks. Many families consider it rude.
• New year and death anniversary meals are eaten after the offering is complete, not before.

It works both ways. If you avoid certain foods for religious, health or personal reasons, say so early and plainly. A good host would rather know than watch you struggle.

Bedrooms, beds and mirrors

Many Vietnamese families follow feng shui taboos in the bedroom: the bed should not face the door directly, a mirror should not face the bed, and you should not sleep with your head towards the door. You may never have heard of these.

How much they apply to you depends on whose room it is. In a room the family has arranged for a guest, leave the furniture as it is unless you ask first. In a room that belongs to you and your spouse, the decision is properly yours, though a quick explanation from your partner to their parents can avoid hurt feelings. If you rearrange, you are not offending anyone's religion; you are simply making a different choice in your own space.

The ritual calendar: days when the house will feel different

Newcomers are rarely thrown by a ritual itself. They are thrown by not knowing in advance that the house will be different that day. Ask the family to mark these on a shared calendar.

The neighbourhood side of these days, such as paper offerings burned on the pavement, is covered in living with your Vietnamese neighbours' rituals.

Special times: pregnancy, illness and mourning

Pregnancy and the month after birth

This is when folk taboos are densest and clashes most likely. The traditional postpartum confinement, ở cữ, may involve restrictions on bathing and washing hair, staying out of draughts, avoiding many foods and staying indoors. Some have understandable caring motives; others are simply custom. When a mother-in-law and a foreign daughter-in-law disagree, the decisions about mother and baby's health belong with the obstetrician and paediatrician, not with whoever wins the argument. Your spouse is the bridge: ideally they attend appointments and hear the doctor's advice directly, so they can relay it to their parents.

When someone is ill

Many families take a sick relative to hospital and also go to a pagoda to pray for recovery. Both can happen together, as long as medical treatment is never delayed while waiting for an auspicious day or a ritual specialist's advice.

When there is a death

Vietnamese funerals include practices you may never have seen: white mourning headbands, offerings every seven days, the first-year anniversary. You don't need to understand it all at once. Ask a family member what to wear, where to stand and what to do at each stage, and ask them to stay beside you.

When beliefs differ

More and more Vietnamese families include someone of another faith or no faith. A few principles keep the peace:

• Separate courtesy (greeting, being quiet near the altar, attending death anniversaries) from religious acts (lighting incense, praying, bowing in worship). The first is reasonably expected; the second should be voluntary.
• Don't debate belief at the dinner table or in front of relatives.
• Say clearly what you cannot do, and offer another way to show respect. Most families are relieved to be given an alternative.
• If you have children, agree with your spouse first about how they will learn family rituals, then talk to the grandparents together.

An example: Emma's first Tết

Emma, from Australia, marries into a family in Huế and is about to spend her first Tết with them. Her mother-in-law is anxious that Emma might break some taboo on new year's day. Instead of handing her a long list, Emma's husband does three things.

A week before Tết, he sits with her for fifteen minutes and walks through the sequence: cleaning today, the Kitchen Gods offering the day after, what happens on new year's eve, who will visit first on the morning of the first day. He teaches her three new year greetings and how to receive a red envelope of lucky money with both hands. He tells her plainly which things his mother really cares about, such as no sweeping and no breaking things in the first days, and which things Emma need not worry about at all.

On the first morning, Emma wishes her husband's grandmother a happy new year in Vietnamese. Later she drops a teacup. Her mother-in-law laughs and says "vỡ là đỡ", a breakage takes the bad luck away. Most of the tension never arrived, because someone explained things beforehand, at the right moment.

Common mistakes on both sides

Newcomers:

• Dismissing family customs as superstition in front of elders.
• Photographing the altar or offerings and posting them without asking.
• Being too shy to ask, and guessing instead.
• Refusing a religious act abruptly, without offering another sign of respect.

Families:

• Saying "we just don't" without a reason.
• Pressing a newcomer to light incense after they have politely declined.
• Describing taboos as threats: "if you do that, something bad will happen".
• Rearranging a young couple's private room.
• Letting postpartum customs override medical advice.

When to ask someone qualified

• Residence paperwork for a foreigner living in a family home: foreign residents' stays must be declared to the local police; ask your local police station how it works in your case, or a lawyer if your situation is complicated.
• Marriage, nationality, rights regarding children: a lawyer and the relevant authorities, both in Vietnam and in your own country.
• Pregnancy, postpartum care, infant health: an obstetrician and a paediatrician.
• Long-running family conflict: a family or marriage counsellor, ideally one who understands both cultures.
• Specific religious questions: a monk at a pagoda for Buddhist practice, your priest or pastor, or a respected member of your own faith community.

If the family moves house while you live with them, our guide to moving house in Vietnam and the nhập trạch ritual explains how a foreigner can take part. And if you want to bring something to your host family at Tết, a small traditional lucky piece is a well-received gift; the Vietnamese-language shop Vật Phẩm Phong Thuỷ, which delivers within Vietnam, has a range of small lucky objects, and a modest one chosen with your partner's advice is all you need.

Frequently asked questions